The joy and splendor of travel lost on one man

General Vietnam Observations, Round 1.

1. The “pho” craze that is currently sweeping the U.S. would grind to an immediate halt if all the ebony chopstick-wielding hipster twerps in Brooklyn had to eat it morning, noon and night. The first thing I’m going to do when I get home is punch a cow right in the face and throw its whole carcass on the nearest Weber grill.

2. If your sweaty, sunburned husband is draping his arm around a toothless, 85-pound, 85 year old Vietnamese woman so you can take his picture like he’s posing with a chimp in a zoo, and afterwards the old lady asks you for “one dolla,” give her a goddamn dollar.

3. Dong jokes never get old.

4. In Vietnam, I’ve ordered “black coffee with milk” five times and gotten five different beverages. “All I wanted was a Pepsi, just one Pepsi, and SHE wouldn’t give it to me…”

5. Walking through the rubble of the 1,800 year old My Son temple ruins and realizing that many of the small ponds around them are actually B-52 bomb craters is fairly depressing.

6. Yesterday, I went swimming at the beach and forgot to take my dong out of my swim trunks before I dove into the water. I ended up having to lay my dong out along the entire length of my beach chair so it could dry out before dinner.

8 Responses to “General Vietnam Observations, Round 1.”

  1. James

    also don’t say gringo or i’ll say ”wetback!” got it! can’t have it both ways democrat loser!

  2. James

    dude i just got back from nam and that place is a shithole to the core..those people are animals and look like monkies..they are very stupid and low class..hope that country sinks into the gulf on tonkin..also who gives a shit about your kid feeling out of place..We all feel like that at’s being HUMAN..something the viet people are not..don’t bring up racial shit, you end up sounding like those gooks! and the niggers in then U.S.

  3. Nick

    Imageaid, I fear no cow. Regarding shrinkage, the China Sea is quite warm this time of year!

    Lynne, I’m not at BK level yet, but I could see myself getting there.

    Michelle, don’t worry. Plenty of dong for everyone.

    Jen, your #4 applies pretty much everywhere except here.

  4. Jennifer Greenholt

    General observations of Loiusiana, the one and only Round:
    1. It is impossible to find a grocery store because all these overweight bastards proudly eat out nightly keeping KFC, Pizza Hut, and Golden Corral in business.
    2. When you do find a HEB, aka a dirty warehouse of food, do not buy $1.99 strawberries because they are that cheap for a reason. The pesticide flavor is included.
    3. Be sure to leave Nawlins before the sun sets. The circus turns into an even freakier show.
    4. When someone asks for any spare dong, they don’t mean cash.

  5. Lynne

    You’re right, Nick…dong jokes really never DO grow old! And the B-52 craters would give me pause too. Different time and zeitgeist. Loving your posts as usual! Hugs to Pam and Rae. Oh and that burger/fries craving is REAL! I actually ate at Burger King in Paris after 2+ weeks in Malawi. Manna from the gods, baby!

  6. imageaid

    1. You’d better get back to the gym or that cow is going to kick your ass. Even still, my money’s on the cow.
    2. Stop being a cheapskate you capitalize pig. Give her 2 dollars or slip her your dong. Either way.
    3. Nope. Never.
    4. Stop ordering wrong.
    5. That is depressing they’re only small ponds. Our bombs suck.
    6. Doesn’t your dong shrink in the water?


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