The joy and splendor of travel lost on one man

Who’s Ready for the Inauguration? Me, That’s Who.

Boy, I’m so exhausted I can barely type. I’ve been super busy getting my house ready for Joe Biden’s inauguration next week. It’s been a long four years, and after everything that happened recently at the Capitol Building I intend to celebrate the transition of power like never before. I’ve got this whole place decked out.

We moved back to the United States in July and have been renting a small cottage on a friend’s farm near Kingston, NY. I spent most of last Thursday on top of the giant barn next to our little house. I was up there for almost ten hours putting the finishing touches on the sniper perch I built for our daughter Rae. I’m not much of a carpenter, but it’s not bad for my first attempt. I added iron plates on all four sides, draped it in camouflage netting, and piled sandbags all around. Rae will have nearly 360-degree views of the property from up there and be as snug as a bug in a rug.

After doing a bit of research and price comparisons online, I bought her a Christensen Arms carbon fiber rifle with a titanium side-baffle muzzle break. It’s a real piece of art, although I did slap a “Biden/Harris” sticker on the stock. Rae can always peel it off later if she wants to, but I thought it would be sort of festive for the occasion. The carbon version cost an extra $1,750, but Rae is pretty tiny, and I didn’t think she needed to be carrying an extra 0.74 pounds up and down the ladder to her post. I did go ahead and carry 12 boxes of .338 Lapua Magnum rimless, center-fire rifle cartridges up there for her already. (I know, I know. I shouldn’t coddle her. But hey, I guess she’ll always be daddy’s little girl, right?)

For Christmas this year, I just so happened to buy my wife Pam a dozen M18A1 Claymore directional anti-personnel mines––blast range of more than 100 yards in a 60-degree arc from the front of the device. They’re awesome, like bottle rockets for grown-ups. I bought them just for fun, but boy, after last week I ended up seeming fairly prescient.

Pam and I spent most of Friday setting them up around the perimeter of the property and attaching tripwires to them. It was tedious work. It’s not exactly the kind of job you want to rush. It ended up being a lot of fun, though. It was unusually warm for January in New York, so we caught a break there. I brought out our little Bluetooth speaker so we could listen to NPR the whole time. We even saw a few deer. (Or should I say “venison burgers?” Watch your step, Bambi. LOL!)

I had been feeling good all weekend about our progress, but then I got a bummer of an email on Monday. The Armasight dual-tube, 51-degree FOV night vision goggles that I ordered––two weeks ago––are backordered! Are you kidding me? The inauguration is Wednesday. I know I’m not the only one getting ready for the swearing in next week, but still, I wish they had let me know earlier.

That definitely threw me off balance, but I scrambled and came up with a pretty solid Plan B. I talked to a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy, and long story short; guess who’s now the proud owner of six M127A1 White Star Signal Flares? Hell yeah! Let freedom squint!

I think I can hook them up to the tripwires so we’ll know exactly where the perimeter gets breached. Each one burns for just under 30 seconds and reaches between 150,000-160,000 candela. What exactly does 150,000 candela mean, you may ask? It means I’ll need some goddamn sunglasses in order to see what I’m aiming at, that’s what it means. ‘Murica!

Needless to say they’ll provide me more than enough light to effectively aim the MK19 Grenade Machine Gun I also got from Mr. Signal Flare. (Seriously, that guy has EVERYTHING.) I traded our landlords’ tractor for it. I would have paid cash, but the stupid signal flares cratered my budget. (Speaking of that, where’s my $2,000 check, Joe? Just kidding, Mr. President!) Our landlords hardly ever use their tractor, and I really needed to keep our car in case of emergency evac. I’ll buy them a new tractor when this is all over. I swear.

The MK should be capable of completely repelling light to medium forces, no problem. But if for some reason it doesn’t do the trick, I have other options on hand. I don’t really feel comfortable discussing them on a public blog, but let’s just say they’re “da bomb.” (wink wink)

Anyway, I can hardly wait until Wednesday. These last four years have been some of the darkest days of my life, but right now I have never felt more excited. I have never felt more American. I have never felt more ready to let the healing begin.

17 Responses to “Who’s Ready for the Inauguration? Me, That’s Who.”

  1. Tom Hennessy

    OK I’m a little late to the game, but I bet someone noticed. your google searches coming up with your weaponry!

    Reply
  2. Lincoln W Anderson

    Unless I missed it, the unrest never came. The mug shots of all the yahoos being rounded up show a pretty unhappy looking bunch. Maybe the idea of developing a deeper relationship with their local law enforcement officials deterred a few. The resale value of your investments on Craigslist may be down a bit. It is odd that “defensible space” is a search phrase that has gained usage in Montana and Idaho. And not due to wildfire exposure.

    Reply
    • Nick

      A German Shepherd on the property would lead to a cosmic meltdown once Walter caught wind of it. No one deserves that.

      Reply
  3. Jota

    Let freedumb wring Nick. Dont forget the sunscreen for those flares.

    Reply
  4. Janet

    Glad to read that you are prepared…. Say hi to the family and the Catskills for us. I miss that part of the world.

    Reply
    • Nick

      I’ll pass along your greetings. Do the same to your family for me, please. And I’ll give the Catskills a hug for you. Pretty part of the country.

      Reply
  5. Bob

    Ah yes….of course I can see the National Guard doing all of this right now from my living room with a view of the Capitol.

    Reply
    • Nick

      Bob, are you sure in front of the window is the best place to be standing these days?

      Reply

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